My Sex Life Is Like A Ferrari

So I stole this image from Dating Dramas of a Thirty Something. I’m sure she stole it from somewhere else, so I’m not gonna guilt about it. Because it is sadly and aggravatingly true for me, too.

My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.
By those standards, I have a bicycle. Or a pair of walking shoes.

I want a Ferrari. I want exciting, powerful, and expensive. Ok, I can live without the expensive part, but for goodness sakes, a taste of the other two would be bloody nice. Hell, I’d settle for one of them. I don’t even know anyone with a Ferrari I can borrow.

I took that too far, didn’t I? Don’t worry. If anyone I knew had a Ferrari, they wouldn’t let anyone borrow it. Are you kidding? They might tell everyone about it and post about it on social media, but there’s no way they’d give away the secret to the rest of us. As much as people think women share, they still don’t want to give their competition a leg up.

That said, if anyone would like to prove me wrong and share said Ferrari tips, please, feel free to post in the comments. Make, model, and specs are preferred. Time share options are available. And, no, I’m not serious about that.

To be honest, while I’m open to taking tips (because why not?), I prefer to find my own Ferrari, thank you. Actually, I think you kind of have to, right? What you consider a Ferrari might be a station wagon to me. Or a freight train aimed right at where I’m tied to the tracks.

This analogy is getting disturbing. The point is that what some people consider exciting in a sex life might be boring or terrifying for others. I mean, as far as cars, a Ferrari is not as exciting to me as say an old cadillac in good condition.

I’m not sure what that does to the analogy, and I’m not gonna think too much into it. It doesn’t really matter anyway. As far as that analogy goes, I don’t have either, and I’m not too happy about it. The problem is that I don’t meet guys in my day-to-day life, and I’m not too thrilled with going on match or tinder either. Time issues aside, dating with social anxiety is crap on a stick. Being single is easier. It’s less stressful.

But it doesn’t do much for your sex life. Unless you’re into one night stands or friends with benefits. Anxiety-wise, the first one sounds awful. The second one, not so much, but getting friends who’re interested in benefits has the same problems as dating. Maybe more.

Why is getting good sex so complicated? I mean, you can buy a Ferrari.


5 Great Reasons To Be Single

5. You don’t have to argue about where you’re going to eat.

4. No one messes up your stuff but you.

My boyfriend just broke a glass with his big ass hand while washing it, really dude?

3. You don’t have to share.


2. If you want to sleep with someone, you can.

1. You can pretty much do what you want when you want to.


Why Would This Make Me Want to Buy It?

Sorry to make you look at it, but wtf?
Sorry to make you look at it, but wtf?

Does anyone else find Skinny Cow’s advertisements disturbing? I mean, first of all, it’s in the “paint me like one of your French girls” pose, and it’s wearing lipstick. They’re obviously trying to make a cow look sexy. Let me say that again. They’re trying to make a cow look sexy! Are they advertising directly to the furry fandom? Because outside of that community and Greek myths, cows themselves are not supposed to be sexy to people. That’s illegal.

Secondly, cows aren’t supposed to be skinny. A skinny cow is a sick cow. Possibly a dead cow. If you really want healthy milk or milk products, you wouldn’t want it to come from a skinny cow. That’s a good way to get sick, not a good way to lose weight.

Last but not least, have they ever actually seen a cow? A cow’s knees don’t work like that! They don’t bend the same direction as people’s arms and legs. So they didn’t really draw a cow. They drew a woman’s body, colored it black and white, and added a cow head. Creepiness aside, that makes me think they’ve never seen a cow before. Why would I want to buy milk from someone who’s never seen a cow before?

That’s disturbing. I keep seeing their ads and trucks everywhere, and it’s always disturbing. Why did they think that was the way to make people buy their stuff?

Different But Not

Mmmmmm. Eye candy.
Mmmmmm. Eye candy. You’re welcome.

Are men’s and women’s butts really that different? Looking at the problem (yes, I told you to look at it), the actual butt doesn’t look that different. They’re the same basic shape, and if both are toned and waxed, I bet I could crop a picture to show only the butt, and people wouldn’t be able to tell which was which.

But here’s the thing. I’m attracted to men. When I see a guy from behind and think he has a cute butt, I’ll probably get a little turned on (at least). If I see a girl from behind who has a cute butt, I don’t. I might be jealous that her butt is cuter than mine. I might make note of her jeans to see if I can find a pair like it (and hope they’re as flattering on me). But I don’t get turned on.

But we just agreed that butts look more or less the same regardless of the gender. So is it knowing that the butt belongs to a guy what makes the difference?

The worst part about this question is that every time I see a guy with a cute butt, I’m going to be thinking of this problem instead of enjoying his hotness. Give me a break, brain. You don’t have to ruin everything!

I Bet $1 Billion That You’re Wrong, And I Don’t Bet Money I Don’t Have Unless I Know I’ll Win

The next time someone tells me that women don’t masturbate, I have a couple of facts I want to lay out for the person. After I finish laughing, I want to remind them that

  1. 50% of paperbacks sold are romance novels, and 6.4 million Americans read at least 1 romance novel a year. Many (myself included) read more than that. Oh, and only 22% of those millions are male.
  2. The vibrator market brings in a whopping $1 billion a year. Can you even keep a straight face and tell me that those sales are made to a small percentage of the population, mostly made to males, or only used with intercourse?

Anyone who thinks that women (as a whole) do not like sex or don’t masturbate is seriously misled. The whole 50 shades mania should be evidence enough of that. Women are more like guys than they get credit for – some are sex maniacs, some like it but don’t focus on it constantly, and some aren’t really interested.

But, please, tell me again. I can always use a good laugh – and $1 billion.