The Useless Female Character’s Revenge: Thank You, Slightly Psychic Tumblr!

Useless Character Eye Candy Chris Hemworth GhostbustersI love this, don’t you? I bet everyone who’s ever been annoyed by the prevalence of useless female characters will love it, too. And now, if I watch the movie, I will gleefully enjoy Chris Hemsworth’s character and his useless, eye-candy nature (he is great eye candy). Thank you, Slightly Psychic Tumblr.

Watching TV Shows Makes Me Jealous Of The Characters

Call me shallow but I get jealous when I watch tv shows. Seriously. I get jealous of the characters that someone invented for a show. Pretty pathetic, right? I’ve been binge-watching a couple series lately, and I’m really jealous of some of the characters.

Well, not in Orange Is the New Black. But other series. Like Bones.

From the pilot episode on, Temperance Brennan’s life is pretty enviable. She’s super smart. She’s majorly successful in multiple careers. She’s highly respected. She’s got good friends. She’s got a great apartment, nice clothes, cool jewelry, and a sweet ride. She can kick ass (literally). Guys think she’s hot. And she has sex with hot guys. Later on, she’s also got a hot husband who adores her. And kids. Bad guys, danger, social awkwardness, and occasional appearances by a semi-crappy family aside, she’s got a pretty sweet life.

The closest I come is in the house, clothes, and jewelry departments. And that’s not very close. It’s kind of depressing.

I’m not saying I want all of it. That would be greedy. And while I can be greedy, my self-esteem is way too low to think that I can have all of that. I can’t even imagine having a life where I succeed so well in so many areas. Of course, I have a hard time picturing anyone blowing life out of the water that well. But it’s really hard to imagine when it’s me.

So I don’t want all of it. I only want a little slice. The sex with hot guys, for instance (I want a Ferrari). Or even 1 guy that I consider hot.

I mean, I like being single. Honestly. But sometimes I miss having someone to talk to or to hold on to. Especially when a tv show makes it look better than delicious, calorie-free ice cream and a million bucks. I’m also jealous of her success. I’ll never be the top of any career. I’m not sure I’d like to be. When I see how nice they make it seem on tv, however, it’s hard to believe that I really don’t want it.

And that’s the problem. They make all these things seem so awesome that it makes me want them. And a lot of the time I don’t actually want them. How confusing is that? And how psychologically trippy is it that watching tv shows can manipulate my emotions enough to make me feel like I do? That’s, well, that’s just plain terrifying.

I don’t want my television to tell me what to do. And the fact that I wrote that makes me feel both paranoid and crazy. But I don’t. I don’t like having my emotions manipulated so that I feel jealous of things I don’t even really want to have. Who are they to tell me what I want? And how much of my life has been shaped by that manipulation?

It’s like being suckered in by a sale. You get a coupon with a great deal in the mail. So you have to go to the store. When you get there, you find a few things that are ok. You kinda like them. And it’s a really good deal. So you spend $40 on something that’s worth $100 just to get $60 off.

That’s what watching tv shows is doing to me. They angle things so that they seem like they’re such a good deal or such a great situation that I feel jealous of the characters on the show. And half the time, it’s all show. I don’t really want that. And I don’t know whether to be annoyed or scared.

A Cat Video: For When You Need A Little Giggle

I know, I know. Cat videos are everywhere. they’re overwhelming the internet. We’re so sick of them. But… there’s something about watching a cat do something stupid/embarrassing and not get hurt that is simply awesome when you need a good laugh.

Here’s a good one. You know, in case you needed a laugh today. Or a little giggle. Whatever.

I Don’t Like Chick Flicks Because I Don’t Want To Believe People Are That Dumb

Ugh
Ugh

Ok. Let’s be specific. I don’t like most chick flicks. Most so-called “romantic comedies.” For most of them, the ending’s the best part of the movie – who doesn’t like a happy ending? Otherwise, they’re really badly written, and they make the main characters act like total idiots. Unbelievably so.

Are you telling me that a woman can’t have a happy ending or fall in love without acting like a complete moron? Are you serious? I know plenty of people who fell in love, married, and live happily (as much as is possible in reality) without making total idiots of themselves and completely ruining their lives first. Those movies totally perpetuate the idea that women are completely emotion-driven and illogical.

I get that strong emotions can make people act irrationally. Boy, do I get that. But does that have to be the major conflict of every single bloody chick flick? Could there be some actual conflicts like job issues or bad health? Could the conflict between the couple be caused by realistic stuff rather than over-the-top behavior?

Because it’s not just the women acting like jerks and idiots. The men in them are just as bad. It’s like anything with the word “comedy” in it must now be synonymous with “people doing stupid shit.”

They’re not all like that. The movies, not the men. Some of them have decent plots and characters with some depth. Characters who have entertainment value beyond doing stupid things and freaking out about the results. Lines that are actually well-written and witty.

I can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure there are a few.

Am I alone in this? The only person who isn’t entertained by watching people make absolute fools of themselves? The only person who likes well-written, well-acted movies? Or semi-realistic love stories?

Never mind. I just remembered how popular reality tv is. I withdraw the question. I’m gonna go sit in a corner and cry for humanity.

My Sex Life Is Like A Ferrari

So I stole this image from Dating Dramas of a Thirty Something. I’m sure she stole it from somewhere else, so I’m not gonna guilt about it. Because it is sadly and aggravatingly true for me, too.

My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.
By those standards, I have a bicycle. Or a pair of walking shoes.

I want a Ferrari. I want exciting, powerful, and expensive. Ok, I can live without the expensive part, but for goodness sakes, a taste of the other two would be bloody nice. Hell, I’d settle for one of them. I don’t even know anyone with a Ferrari I can borrow.

I took that too far, didn’t I? Don’t worry. If anyone I knew had a Ferrari, they wouldn’t let anyone borrow it. Are you kidding? They might tell everyone about it and post about it on social media, but there’s no way they’d give away the secret to the rest of us. As much as people think women share, they still don’t want to give their competition a leg up.

That said, if anyone would like to prove me wrong and share said Ferrari tips, please, feel free to post in the comments. Make, model, and specs are preferred. Time share options are available. And, no, I’m not serious about that.

To be honest, while I’m open to taking tips (because why not?), I prefer to find my own Ferrari, thank you. Actually, I think you kind of have to, right? What you consider a Ferrari might be a station wagon to me. Or a freight train aimed right at where I’m tied to the tracks.

This analogy is getting disturbing. The point is that what some people consider exciting in a sex life might be boring or terrifying for others. I mean, as far as cars, a Ferrari is not as exciting to me as say an old cadillac in good condition.

I’m not sure what that does to the analogy, and I’m not gonna think too much into it. It doesn’t really matter anyway. As far as that analogy goes, I don’t have either, and I’m not too happy about it. The problem is that I don’t meet guys in my day-to-day life, and I’m not too thrilled with going on match or tinder either. Time issues aside, dating with social anxiety is crap on a stick. Being single is easier. It’s less stressful.

But it doesn’t do much for your sex life. Unless you’re into one night stands or friends with benefits. Anxiety-wise, the first one sounds awful. The second one, not so much, but getting friends who’re interested in benefits has the same problems as dating. Maybe more.

Why is getting good sex so complicated? I mean, you can buy a Ferrari.