It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. That doesn’t stop it from happening. That doesn’t explain why it happens (Other than the whole depression/anxiety bullshit). That’s how. I know how it happens. How one thing going wrong ruins everything.
It starts with that 1 problem. It can be a small, insignificant thing. Something that most people wouldn’t even consider a big deal. Like putting your foot in your mouth or screwing up your nail polish. Or it can be a big thing. Something that even non-neurotics would worry about. Like having a bill sent to collections. It doesn’t really matter which one – at least not if you’re as messed up as I am. The point is something goes wrong.
Usually right before going to a social gathering or a party. Something I have to force myself to do anyway. And going to that social whatever immediately becomes harder because now all I can think about is what I fucked up.
Now, I’m on the verge of tears, I’m cursing myself, I’m obsessing about every little detail of how I screwed it up, and I have to go be around people. Something that usually leads to more fuck-ups (hello, introvert with social anxiety and self-confidence issues). And given the recent one, I’m sure it will. It’s kind of like saying to yourself, “Well, time to go humiliate myself in public and pretend it’s fun.”
Exactly how are you supposed to have fun with all that going around in your head?
No answer? That’s because you don’t. Fun? Yeah, right. You just keep freaking out. Dwelling on the fuck-ups leads to tension and second-guessing, which lead to, guess what? More fuck-ups. A whole evening, a whole day, hell, a whole week can be totally ruined by one stupid, ridiculous thing going wrong.
Or if I really want to be honest, the fact that I can’t let go of that one stupid, ridiculous thing ruins everything else. I know people who can let their mistakes go and move on like it never happened. Go to a dinner right after one? No problem. Think about now, right?
Yeah right. There’s no way. Because I don’t know how to be any other way. How do you stop dwelling over stuff that’s gone wrong? Especially if it’s not over yet! Like the collection agency or facing someone after putting your foot in your mouth. When it’s not over, I keep going around in circles of what I did wrong, what I should’ve done, how could I be so stupid?, and what am I going to do to fix it? Can I fix it? Or is doing anything just going to make it worse?
And even if I did fix it, does it matter if I can’t fix me? If I can’t make myself stop circling? Can I hide the tears and pretend to be happy and having fun when I really want to go home and cry? Then, at least no one I know will realize how fucked up and stupid I am. Oh, wait. That’s the end of the cycle. It’s time to go back and start from the beginning.
And that’s how 1 thing going wrong ruins everything. Over and over and over again.
Does 1 thing going wrong ruin everything for you, too? Or have you figured out how to stop the cycle – how to fix it. If you have, I’ll take whatever notes you’ve got. Because I’m sick of this.