I’m stuck in a swamp of indecision. Every option seems to circle around to failure. Or at least an equally high chance of failure. I’m torn between 1. pacing in circles, tearing my hair out, and muttering as I try to talk myself to a solution or 2. sitting with my head in my hands and giving up. The only solutions that seem at all appealing are out of my reach. Either through life/fate, timing, my own choices, or someone else’s.
That’s part of the problem. This particular change is because of other people’s decisions, and I wasn’t ready yet. I’m still not ready yet. If there was a path in front of me that seemed worth taking or that I thought I could succeed at, maybe I would be. But I’m not, and I don’t have the luxury of waiting until I am. I’m going to have to pick a direction.
Ready or not, here I go. Out of my comfort zone.
The anxiety of making the decision is pushing me to where I’m ready to toss a coin, throw some runes, or have a blindfolded dizzy person point at a random direction. If only to have the decision made and stop the anxiety. All the options are equal, so why not?
A tiny, smothered voice of reason inside whispers that none of those are good ways to make a big life decision. And I know that. The problem is that I’m getting to the point where I don’t care. And that’s what worries me most.
I don’t want to go back down there. I don’t want to start that slide – I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop it again. If I’m already slipping back into the numbness and didn’t notice, than I may have slid back more than I realized. It’s hard to be sure. Making a big life decision by tossing a coin could be the old apathy, but it could also be my usual response to things that cause anxiety (run away).
That’s what keeps me circling. I know that I should find some reason to direct my decision. Some fact that makes one path look better than another. Because I need to at least try to care about my future.
At the same time, I can’t stop. Moving forward, pushing myself forward, is all that’s kept me going up the slope instead of back down. So maybe this once, it’s ok to toss the coin and pick blind. At least, then, I can keep moving. And I can stop stressing out about making the decision.