I’ve fallen into a pattern. I make a list of goals, think everything through, and then I run myself ragged. I spend a month or more being ridiculously busy – blogging, going to work, going out to events. Trying to cram in everything on that list. Sometimes, I’m barely at home long enough to sleep, shower, and dress before starting again.
Part of that is how unrealistic I am about putting stuff on that list. I have so much that I like to do, and I don’t want to give any of it up. And I’m not sure I should. Doing things I enjoy helps me keep the depression and anxiety at bay.
So does keeping busy. When I’m home, I end up sinking more and more.
When I’m running, it’s harder for the depression and anxiety to catch up with me. Oh, it still hits. It’ll smack me sideways in the middle of a workday or at a party. I’ll be fine one second and ready to cry or panic the next. Not as often as it used to, but it still happens. When I’m out in public, though, I have to push it back. I have to shove it aside and keep going.
See, for me, the only thing worse than breaking down is breaking down in public. So, I guess, staying busy is my way of running from my problems.
After a few months, though, I start to get frazzled. With so much running, some stuff gets put aside. When too much gets put to the side, it starts to add stress. Being stressed does not help me fight the anxiety or depression. At that point, I have to regroup. I have to sit down to look at my life, make decisions, set goals, and write that list.
Then, I start running again.