It’s funny how a crowd of people can make you feel lonelier than being alone.
Yesterday, surrounded by friends and family, I felt so awkward and isolated that I wished I didn’t feel obligated to stay (I wanted to go home so badly that I hid and hoped that no one would find me and make me interact again). Everything I said was stilted and awkward. Every time I tried to join a conversation, I felt tolerated rather than welcomed.
I don’t know how much of that was truly the situation. I saw their reactions, and it seemed true. But I know my perception is warped by the depression. I know that depression can make little things seem bigger or more pronounced.
But I’ve also been on the other side of those moments when you smile and try to be nice to someone who isn’t really fitting in. Someone you aren’t going to be mean to – but also someone you wouldn’t choose to be talking to. Sometimes I wonder which is crueler: closing someone out or pretending to include them.